Married in Med School: Sacrifice, Resilience and Life

I wrote this guest post for Life of a Med Student and it is live now. Just some words on how life as a married medical student has been, with a non-medical partner. They have wonderful advice for anything related for #medschoollife survival. I especially love their posts on financial planning and managing your debt. Definitely check them out and follow them on Twitter for an assortment of tips for life as a med student.

One of the questions I get most asked about is how I balance marriage and being a medical student. The simple answer is sacrifice. To fully explain this, I need to rewind a few years back.

The pillars:

Being in a committed relationship during college (especially if you’ve been together since high school) is truly a challenge. More so when you are not in the same year and even more when you have different majors. There needs to be a mutual understanding of what each profession/major requires of each part. In addition to that, each part needs to have the necessary maturity to make the right decisions, and even take fault when mistakes are made. I am not going to sit here and say I didn’t screw up majorly, I did. But the important thing is having the resilience to deal with the consequences. Most importantly as well is to LEARN from your mistakes.

Another important thing to go through all of this, is having respect for your partner, their goals, and their needs. A relationship will truly thrive when all parties involved can understand when they need to ask and when they need to give. For us, college was the ground for all this learning and when most mistakes were made. The beauty of that journey was that during this time, we realized we wanted to fight and we would work to be better for ourselves and each other.

The History:

We got engaged right after our hardest time together, towards the end of college. Then decided to move in together when Medical School began. I feel this was the best decision for us. It allowed us to get used to each other and adjust to medical school together and truly test if we could make it work. Most of the wedding was planned before the start of medical school. This was good because the stress levels were under control with regards to the wedding (if you’ve ever planned a wedding you know weddings can bring out the worst in people).

Medical school was definitely a new training ground for our relationship. We both had to learn that the primary focus was me passing all my courses and not letting our relationship in the back burner. For me that was especially hard. I tend to cherish family more than anything else, but it was him who taught me how to put my career first and still find the time for us. When I wanted to quit, go to sleep early, or even spend his free day together he always kept me in check that I needed to pass first because if not all our sacrifices would be in vain. My husband is truly amazing. He has definitely been the pillar of my journey in medical school.

The Components:

So you see, I am not the only variable in the equation. My husband has also learned and grown in the process. He is an important part of making this med – non med marriage work. After so many years together we know each other pretty well. I feel this has been an important aspect in overcoming all the hardships in our way. The commitment we have for each other goes above all. We constantly keep each other in check, on track, and in sync with our individual and combined goals. That last part is what I believe is the true secret. Having personal and couple goals, and continuously keeping the other persons’ goals in mind without overshadowing our own.

Our relationship is certainly not perfect. It is pretty unique. I believe we have cultivated a good foundation for many years to come in this profession. We have a Doctor who is part of the ethics department who says (very roughly translated) “Medicine is a profession which is a dimension of the sacred, thus becoming a physician entails sacrifice not only from us but from our families”. Ever since we met, my husband knew I wanted to do medicine as a career.

The Conclusion:

When medical school started, numerous orientations were given about how the odds that we’d make it through were against us. Apparently almost every couple who goes into medical school, especially when both parties are NOT in medical school, breaks up. Many said that the transitions we had undergone were nothing compared to medical school. Looking back, I think they are wrong. The transitions are the same, but the maturity level is very very distinct. This makes the difference between success and failure in my opinion.

Maturity is what gives us the capacity to discern between what we want and what we need. What we want, is to be successful. What we need is to have someone/s who will be there to support us when the road to success gets tough. One cannot happen without the other. For this reason, my marriage was my first priority and medical training was second. If I had let myself to be consumed by the first 2 years of medical school, I would’ve gone insane and probably failed courses or even the boards. Taking the time to bond and strengthen my relationship has given me the drive and skills necessary to succeed this far.

I may not be AOA or have a 268 on my USMLE Step 1. In a few months I will still be a Doctor, but I will have something greater. My family. If something were to happen to me in the future and prevent me from continuing to practice medicine, I will have a loving husband and family that will still fulfill my life.

Throughout this journey we both have made sacrifices. We’ve missed out, we’ve had our difficulties balancing all the things life has thrown our way, but through communication, empathy, and understanding, I feel we have reached the final segment of this marathon with out head held high. What the future holds? No one knows. One thing I can say for sure is that we won’t give up, and if we have done it, so can you.

Thanks for reading!

Jani